


Antinomy

by faithinthepoor



Series: Desperate Housewives [34]
Category: Desperate Housewives
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 01:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1963539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during No-one is Alone</p>
            </blockquote>





	Antinomy

**Author's Note:**

> Follows [Unseemly](http://archiveofourown.org/works/668467), [The Theory of Everything](http://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor), [Here There Be Dragons](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673221), [Somnambulist](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673229), [Wishin’ and Hopin’](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673233), [Nosology](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673238), [Boundary Violations](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673240), [Fractals](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673250), [Windmill Tilting](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673255), [Ambitendency](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673262), [Heisenberg Territory](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673272), [The Illusions of Prisms](http://archiveofourown.org/works/673700), [Keratitis Sicca](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682311), [Schrödinger’s Realm](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682327), [Chiaroscuro](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682358), [Altered Trajectories](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682370), [Elegiacs](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1952136), [Tachyphylaxis](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1952244), [Verismo](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1953516), [Forced Perspective](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1953594), [Lex Talionis](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1953624), [Repetition Compulsion](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1953663), [Cardioid Geometry](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1953693), [Mereology](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1959777), [Battlelines](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1960131), [Enteropathy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1960167), [Abnegation](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1960179), [Lichtenberg Figures](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1960806), [Paradoxes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1960851), [Plastic Deformation](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1963329), [Hawthorne and Rosenthal Dilemmas](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1963419), [Egodystonic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1963458) and [Regional Anaesthesia](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1963512)

This shouldn’t hurt so much. She has been preparing herself for this moment and was determined to be numb. There should be no more room for pain, she has already begun mourning, has known in her heart, in her soul, that he was unfaithful from the second he attempted to surreptitiously place the business card back in his bag. If she’s honest, she knew before that, knew by the way he back-pedalled and ducked and weaved in response to her questions that he had something to hide. He almost convinced her that she was overreacting - she wanted to believe him, wanted there to be a reasonable explanation for the expense accounts and as he stood up to her interrogation she tried to take his words at face value. She tried to tell herself that she was projecting motives into his actions but she is achingly familiar with the signs of infidelity and it’s impossible for her not to recognise them. She died a little bit on the plane and a little more as she watched him lie to her whilst she spied on him from the rental care. It was hard to be mad at him for deceiving her when she was doing exactly the same thing but she managed it, somehow she had developed an unshakeable belief in that fact that her lies were justified. Her certainty in the righteousness of her actions didn’t stop her from being terrified when he rang her cell phone and it was particularly hard to convince herself that the car alarm wasn’t a sign that she should abort her mission. Every step of this journey only confirmed his guilt, carved it into stone, and yet somehow seeing the ultimate proof was soul destroying.

The tableau of his betrayal was framed by a window, so on one level it was like witnessing something distanced from her, something unreal and yet on an emotional level he might as well have been next to her, slapping her in the face, spitting in her eye. She managed to make it back to the car but can’t bring herself to start the engine, can’t focus her motor skills on anything other than falling apart. She needs all of her faculties to deal with her pain, to attempt to build a mental wall around her feelings for Tom because she can not be burdened by her love for him, that will not help her now. Their marriage is over, he is dead to her, the man she loved is gone. She knows that the mourning process will involve trying to fathom the nature of his relationship with this woman, trying to distinguish whether he betrayed her for love or lust, and attempting to understand which of those would be worse. She doesn’t think it’s hypocritical to leave him for committing a crime that she herself is guilty of, she would expect him to do the same if he found out about her relationship with Bree but she does think that the distance compounds his guilt. Her temptation was impossible to avoid, she had to face it every single day and she did attempt to suppress her feelings but in the end she just wasn’t up to the task. His temptation could have been avoided, he had to actively seek out the item of his desire and in her mind that makes his sin so much worse. 

Her feelings about the motivation for their infidelity are a little less rational and a little more difficult to justify – she has never felt that her relationship with Bree was a slight on Tom and yet she sees his relationship with another woman as confirmation that she failed him in some way. Her priorities might have been wrong. It was never going to be important to her to be a good housewife but maybe she should have tried harder to be a good wife. She should have thought about his needs, shouldn’t have made him feel inferior to her even if she believed it to be true. It’s a large assumption to think that could have changed at all and even if she could have she can’t convince herself that it would have been the answer to their problems. Would it really have been better to transform herself into a construct of the ideal woman? Could she have made that sacrifice, lived with that level of compromise? The questions are pointless, she knows that she isn’t capable of those things, it is not in her nature, the attempt would have killed her and even if it didn’t, she’d have lost him anyway by becoming bitter and resentful. The more she thinks about it the more apparent it becomes that their relationship was destined to fail. They say with knowledge comes power but she doesn’t feel strong, she feels like a woman whose life has just fallen apart. 

She drives around the corner and pulls out her phone, finally ready to make the phone call that she has wanted to make from the moment that Tom illustrated that he had heretofore undiscovered magic skills by making the business card vanish. It wasn’t that it had felt inappropriate to call, she hasn’t suddenly become concerned with the intricacies of social decorum, although she doubts there is anything written in etiquette books or taught in charm school that covers the correct way to tell your lover that you suspect your husband of having an affair. Her reluctance to contact Bree lay in the fact that she didn’t want to have to admit that she wasn’t able to keep Tom interested, didn’t want Bree to think that she might one day feel the same way. Now that she has irrefutable evidence of Tom’s adultery and knows that her marriage is over there seems little point in hiding the facts from Bree. She doesn’t think that she is fan of secrets anymore, she’s not sure if they were what caused her marriage to erode or simply the by-product of any already diseased relationship but lately they have developed a life of their own, growing and reproducing without regulation, a cancerous army poisoning everything they touch.

When Bree doesn’t answer she hangs up without leaving a message, informing someone that you are leaving your husband and that you wouldn’t mind them running away with you is probably a conversation that shouldn’t be left to voicemail. She needs to hear Bree’s voice right now, needs to know that there is someone who loves her but in way she is glad that Bree didn’t answer because she needs time to prepare what she is going to say, time to find a way to make it not seem like she is only running to Bree now that she knows that things are over with Tom. Bree has always been so much more to her than a backup plan but the reality is that she didn’t choose Bree when there was a choice to be made. Right now she has enough regrets to permanently cripple her and while most of them are related to her marriage and her naivety she knows that even if Bree agrees to be with her, really be with her, their relationship will be haunted by the spectre created by her failure to end her marriage before Tom delivered the death blow.

Finding the right way to express what has happened isn’t a simple task and even though thoughts on that matter monopolise most of the return flight she knocks on Bree’s door no closer to an eloquent solution than she was at the time of the abandoned phone call. The house is deserted, she can say this with authority, having done a thorough perimeter check desperately searching for signs of life. At no point had she anticipated that Bree wouldn’t be at here, her absence adds a further nail to Lynette’s coffin. 

Her children are sleeping peacefully when she arrives at Mrs McCluskey’s, she doesn’t disturb them deciding that they deserve one last night of normality before she changes the foundations of their little worlds. She is standing at the window, risking RSI by sending multiple messages to Bree that have thus far gone unanswered, when McCluskey finds her, “So I take it I need to make sure the gun is clean and loaded.”

Her answer is indirect but informative, “Is it okay if the kids and I stay here tonight, I don’t think that I can be at my house right now or possibly ever again.”

“You can stay as long as you need Lynette.”

“We’ll be out of your hair tomorrow, I plan to be long gone before he gets back.”

“This must be difficult for you.”

“No, no I’m thrilled to learn that Tom has found someone younger than me.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t imagine you planned on having to ask me if you could stay the night.”

“Pride is the least of my concerns right now.”

“But you’d rather be with her.”

She turns towards the woman, “Her?”

“You know the good thing about getting old is that everyone automatically assumes that you’re demented and infirm. No-one thinks that you are capable of noticing anything, my vision might be failing but I’m not blind yet.”

“I’m not sure that I know what you are talking about.”

“Are you really going to try and claim that you and Bree are just good friends?”

She feels her face blanch and knows that denial is not likely to be a convincing move, “How long have you known?”

McCluskey’s eyes are warmer, as though she respects Lynette for not attempting to shrug off the claim, “About the way you feel? Probably longer than you but I never thought anything would come of it.”

“What makes you think it has?”

“I told you, I’m not blind. It’s written in your every action, especially in the way the pair of you try so hard not to be excited about seeing one another.”

“If you knew this, why help me?”

“You think I’m talking sides?”

“You told me about your gun.”

“As much as I don’t like to admit it, I owe you but should Tom ever ask for the gun I will give it to him, you don’t get special favours.”

“You don’t think less of me?” It shouldn’t matter what Karen thinks of her but she holds her breath after the question.

“Lynette it’s not possible for me to think any less of you.”

“You’re not, like, offended?”

“I’ve always known that you were a liberal fool and that it would get you into trouble.”

“I didn’t plan it.”

“I know.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Oh I think you are capable of being underhanded but I saw the pain in your eyes, you love Tom, I don’t think you’d throw that away for no reason.”

“I didn’t want to throw it away at all,” her voice breaks but she will not cry in front of McCluskey, “I loved him, I loved them both, I think I thought I could have everything.”

“I told you, you’re a fool.”

“What if I don’t have anything now, what if she doesn’t want me?”

“Then you take Penny and the boys and learn to be grateful for your blessings.” She is apparently done humouring Lynette because she abruptly heads back upstairs leaving Lynette to contemplate her fate. McCluskey’s statement makes her feel useless and selfish, she does have her children, they are who she should be thinking about, they are what’s important. It would seem, however, that she is about as good a mother as she was a wife because they don’t seem to be enough, they don’t change the fact that she would do anything to be in Bree’s arms right now. She shouldn’t have followed Tom, she shouldn’t have tempted fate. She can’t help feeling that Bree not being here is more than just bad timing, it seems like an omen, because if nothing else, fate is vengeful bastard.


End file.
